Mood Stabilizers And My Prana

April 24, 2011

I am taking an extra mood stabilizer in the morning instead of the evening. The effects are intense melancholy.  I cried in yoga class yesterday because my spirit is sad because of the sedation my body is subject to.  My head is hurting. My spirit is restless. I crave sugar.  I am unsatisfied in every way.

I desire to sing. I desire to lift up….something…someone…the earth.  I desire to show appreciation to simple things.

My children are annoying in every way, unless my spirit has recently been cleansed through worship or meditation.  Even then the effects can only last about an hour. 

I feel that my environment is toxic.  I crave silence and solace. I crave togetherness and long to belong to something bigger.  I know that it is out there.  I feel it move inside of me. God is speaking to me.  My Creator is teaching me, but I have sorrow because I can’t share it with my family.  They are closed, they don’t want to understand.

My mother thinks that an evil spirit passed through me the other day.  My husband thinks that I am schizophrenic.  I am not, and the spirit that passed through me was neither good nor bad; just stuck in that little shop that I was in.  I guess it’s gone. It passed through me and then the outside wall. Good luck confused spirit. I don’t want your confusion; I choose not to be a Wanderer.

The world is shifting; I crave to be with people of like mind. However the damn medications are shutting down my mind.  I am so afraid to not take them.  I don’t want to be that person that I used to be.  I am not that person.  I refuse to be that person.  I am Light, I am Love.  I choose these things, but the medicine doesn’t.  I am in between Light and western medicine.  I am in between true Love/Light and the control of my physical body. My Soul Light isn’t Bi Polar/Depressed/Anxious/OCD, my body is. Is this an illusion, a distortion?  Of what?  What did I forget from the past that I can’t remember now?  Where is my wisdom that I so intensely and painfully abstained from the Creator?

One thing that I do remember is my obsession with death.  I realize now that it is not death that I crave, it is enlightenment and freedom.  I am trapped in this third density body and have been for centuries.  This is the first lifetime that I have not killed myself in efforts to see the Love/Light in the fourth density.  God does not honor my efforts of sorrow when I take matters into my own hands.  How do I find this Love/Light in my physical incarnate body in the third world? 

In reflection:

I have found my Breath.  In my breath, there is my Creator. I give thanks to my Creator and my new found wisdom in my Pranasalara teacher.

I know my purpose; to be healed and to heal others. I just don’t know the next step forward. I can see the light in others and also the darkness. I can feel and sometimes see the spirit world.  I need development.  I need direction.

I know what aids my spirit in growing.  Speaking, singing, sharing my realizations and visions, breathing, consciously appreciating the beauty in simple things and being with like minded people that will not judge my dreams and perspectives of the illusion of life as we know it on Earth.