A Journal Entry: God, Chemicals, and The Matrix (8-18-99)

August 17, 2000

I admit it.
Sometimes when I walk by a window or mirror, I turn around and look at it. Not to admire myself and how I look, but just to nod at the person walking by because I know that I will see her again tomorrow.

Friday August 18, 2000 1:27 pm

“I should have started this eight months ago. There has been so many enlightening epiphanies my mind has conjugated and there was either no paper to record them on, or I was lazy and choose to write it on a random piece of paper and somewhere along the road of realization, I lost it. On the other hand there is always the possibility that my mind was too altered from normality that as soon as the wisdom came, it left, and there was no time to capture it. But being a person of great faith, I am sure that it will return to me. So, not all is lost? Being of tired body and sober mind, I think it wise to have proper introduction to this journal, or rather, an introduction to my mind. Yes, say hello to my mind. I love my mind. It amazes me. I love to think, to ponder. I can not wait to learn something new, that is if it is of interest, just so my mind can twist and turn for pure entertainment. I admit, this a dangerous thing, but you can imagine the intellect. I love to conversant and share my views. Most people think I am crazy. By definition and the rational logical world, I am crazy. It is only human to stay rational. Irrationality is insanity, something I am not. Although there is common sense; something I pride myself in knowing a lot about. Whether I choose to use it or not is up to me and the situation. Which brings up a point, street smarts or as I like to call “The Social Function”? This is something else that is a rational ideal. I developed most these traits simply by surrounding myself with diversity of people and not to mention mind alternating substances. Although the later is nothing to brag openly about and the two were not things I was taught growing up. Perhaps that is why I enjoy them so now. So my purpose for this is simple. For the time being, I write simply for myself that I may remember my realizations, never forget what I was feeling at the given moment, and why that certain circumstance affected me the way it did. Indeed, a log of my life, so perhaps people will know after I am gone what it was like to be a twenty-year-old young woman at the turn of the millennium. Who knows, it could turn out to by another book such as “Go Ask Alice” or “The Diary of Ann Frank”. Which I highly recommend that you read, if you already have not. Much is to be learned from people like them. I just know all to well that everyone has a story, especially me. My life is not as tragic as Ann Franks and is not quite as fucked as Alice’s, but tragedy and chaos is prevalent. It just all comes down to how you perceive tragedy and chaos, and how you handle it when it crosses your path. Never the less, there is something to keep in mind...everything is in your mind. Reality is what you want it to be. So in other words, tragedy and chaos could really be paradise and order just being looked at from upside down.”
The only thing that is constant is divine understanding, love, and forgiveness. With people it is our creators purpose to understand and agree and have that perfect relationship. Love him, respect Him, talk to Him. He doesn’t care what you are doing or what you have done. He will never see you as the individual He made from clay be His hands, but a section that functions like a body part covered and paid for with blood. He is in control. It’s just like being in the Matrix. So the question is, ‘what is real’? Nothing. Everything is predestined, just with two choices. The choice is mine and yours to make a reality. Thank God for choices and double thanks for unconditional pure love and forgiveness. Mistakes are separated as far as the east is from the west. Anyway, I am still not sure what my reality and purpose is. But I do know this – my destination. When it is all over and I know what I want along my journey. I guess I will never know what He wants. I am just not ready to ask. 

We were created just for a perfect love relationship, never perverted or dishonest, no secrets. That is something people have a lot of is secrets. It is just where you store them that make a difference. It’s either in your heart and mind, or superficially in your mouth. But you and I both know that the mouth leaks. So put yours secrets in your mind to process them and then transfer to your mouth. There is no reason not to share because the mass majority of people are so self centered they really don’t care about your secrets. In all reality they have the same ones. Share, trust, love, understand, agree or disagree in order to reach enlightenment in your mind. Help each other love each other. Put yourself in the other’s place. That will eliminate selfishness and develop passion for the knowledge of people’s behavior and feeling of forgiveness and compassion. Always remember though that no one person is the same and has different intentions. Intentions to destroy or to have personal revenge….so like the X-Files, trust in no one and to find the truth for yourself because, yes, my dear friends…the truth is out there. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. Peace, love, and freedom and the pursuit of happiness. But I say inter peace in the mist of controlled chaos, love is love, passion is love. There is no real freedom here on earth. But as far as the pursuit of happiness goes…it is just a pursuit, a goal. Some people spend their whole lives pursuing happiness only to find out when it is too late in life that happiness is a chemical emotion, it’s artificial. This is why drugs make you happy. So instead pursue joy. Joy is eternal and pure. Once you have it, it never leaves. You may become sad or angry, but again, those are chemicals. Joy is in the heart and only surfaces when you open that door in the joy storage room.