Remembering The Forgotten

When I go back and read some of my old journal entries and poems, it amazes me that my higher self and unconscious was talking to me about my past lives or the Beings that I was encountering were "soul fragments". It is a beautiful memory to remember these things, knowing what I know now. Yes, I was a VERY confused girl when I wrote these because I didn't understand anything that I was feeling or seeing. I am forever grateful that I am, now, finally "remembering" what my soul "forgot" when I was born.

November 11, 1999

“How to end a thought like you?  

There is no end, 

For you are always a thought on my mind.  

You are so intoxicating to consume.  

I can hear nothing but your voice.  

At your sight to the rest of the world I am blind.”

December 21, 1999
“I stare at you because you’re a stranger with a familiar shape.  

Your eyes show flicks from my past with each blink.  

Your breath is a refreshing breeze from my childhood.  

Who are you?”

Journal Entry: I Write To Remember (3-28-99)

A Journal Entry From March 28, 1999

I was thinking about why I write in here and tell all these things that happen to me, like I am telling someone a story that knows nothing about me. I do it for the sole purpose of giving myself a way to remind myself what I was thinking at a particular moment. I don’t want anyone to know about this or to even read it. I hope that this is still here when I am gone, but I doubt it. I also want this for when I have children; I can remember what it was like to go through what they are going through. I have to remember. I don’t want to be like my parents. I am going to be totally different. They aren’t bad parents; I am just going to do things different.

A Journal Entry: Thoughts About Beauty (4-13-99)

April 13, 1999

The single word, beautiful, has so many different meanings. It’s not just an outward appearance or something of the physical, but a vision of purity held in the eyes of the one beholding the beauty. Beauty is seen through the soul and heart, but is processed thorough the mind to make logic and give it it's definition. Beauty shouldn’t be contemplated just by the mind because it is the most abstract word in the English language and has infinite boundaries, no limitations. Beauty is diverse, but original in every aspect, in that it stands for itself--by itself. 
Beauty is all in the eyes of the beholder; but what is in the eyes of the beheld?

True beauty, just like love, is returned. The beholder and the beheld are interchangeable, always giving, always receiving; interchanging never taking too much and giving less or giving too much only to get nothing in return. Beauty is divine. It goes beyond all imagination. So when I say you are beautiful you are just that--BEAUTIFUL, in body, soul, mind and heart.

A Journal Entry: Why I Write (10-26-99)

October 26, 1999

“I often walk by someone and wonder what is going through their mind and if there is any thought there, maybe he is wondering the same about me. All the poems I write are simply for that reason, for all those who wonder what is going through my mind. Here are my thoughts and life pains. Some aren’t very poetic, but they are real life feelings and thoughts. I hope whoever reads my words can think of themselves and relate to what I am felling to what is happening in their lives. Escape with me and any other way you can. Writing is an escape. Start with a blank piece of paper and you can make it say anything you desire. Escape in to the page. No one tells me what to write; I write what I see; my feelings through my eyes, no one else’s. The paper is my mentor and the pen is my guide. Nothing goes unanswered.”

A Journal Entry: God, Chemicals, and The Matrix (8-18-99)

August 17, 2000

I admit it.
Sometimes when I walk by a window or mirror, I turn around and look at it. Not to admire myself and how I look, but just to nod at the person walking by because I know that I will see her again tomorrow.

Friday August 18, 2000 1:27 pm

“I should have started this eight months ago. There has been so many enlightening epiphanies my mind has conjugated and there was either no paper to record them on, or I was lazy and choose to write it on a random piece of paper and somewhere along the road of realization, I lost it. On the other hand there is always the possibility that my mind was too altered from normality that as soon as the wisdom came, it left, and there was no time to capture it. But being a person of great faith, I am sure that it will return to me. So, not all is lost? Being of tired body and sober mind, I think it wise to have proper introduction to this journal, or rather, an introduction to my mind. Yes, say hello to my mind. I love my mind. It amazes me. I love to think, to ponder. I can not wait to learn something new, that is if it is of interest, just so my mind can twist and turn for pure entertainment. I admit, this a dangerous thing, but you can imagine the intellect. I love to conversant and share my views. Most people think I am crazy. By definition and the rational logical world, I am crazy. It is only human to stay rational. Irrationality is insanity, something I am not. Although there is common sense; something I pride myself in knowing a lot about. Whether I choose to use it or not is up to me and the situation. Which brings up a point, street smarts or as I like to call “The Social Function”? This is something else that is a rational ideal. I developed most these traits simply by surrounding myself with diversity of people and not to mention mind alternating substances. Although the later is nothing to brag openly about and the two were not things I was taught growing up. Perhaps that is why I enjoy them so now. So my purpose for this is simple. For the time being, I write simply for myself that I may remember my realizations, never forget what I was feeling at the given moment, and why that certain circumstance affected me the way it did. Indeed, a log of my life, so perhaps people will know after I am gone what it was like to be a twenty-year-old young woman at the turn of the millennium. Who knows, it could turn out to by another book such as “Go Ask Alice” or “The Diary of Ann Frank”. Which I highly recommend that you read, if you already have not. Much is to be learned from people like them. I just know all to well that everyone has a story, especially me. My life is not as tragic as Ann Franks and is not quite as fucked as Alice’s, but tragedy and chaos is prevalent. It just all comes down to how you perceive tragedy and chaos, and how you handle it when it crosses your path. Never the less, there is something to keep in mind...everything is in your mind. Reality is what you want it to be. So in other words, tragedy and chaos could really be paradise and order just being looked at from upside down.”
The only thing that is constant is divine understanding, love, and forgiveness. With people it is our creators purpose to understand and agree and have that perfect relationship. Love him, respect Him, talk to Him. He doesn’t care what you are doing or what you have done. He will never see you as the individual He made from clay be His hands, but a section that functions like a body part covered and paid for with blood. He is in control. It’s just like being in the Matrix. So the question is, ‘what is real’? Nothing. Everything is predestined, just with two choices. The choice is mine and yours to make a reality. Thank God for choices and double thanks for unconditional pure love and forgiveness. Mistakes are separated as far as the east is from the west. Anyway, I am still not sure what my reality and purpose is. But I do know this – my destination. When it is all over and I know what I want along my journey. I guess I will never know what He wants. I am just not ready to ask. 

We were created just for a perfect love relationship, never perverted or dishonest, no secrets. That is something people have a lot of is secrets. It is just where you store them that make a difference. It’s either in your heart and mind, or superficially in your mouth. But you and I both know that the mouth leaks. So put yours secrets in your mind to process them and then transfer to your mouth. There is no reason not to share because the mass majority of people are so self centered they really don’t care about your secrets. In all reality they have the same ones. Share, trust, love, understand, agree or disagree in order to reach enlightenment in your mind. Help each other love each other. Put yourself in the other’s place. That will eliminate selfishness and develop passion for the knowledge of people’s behavior and feeling of forgiveness and compassion. Always remember though that no one person is the same and has different intentions. Intentions to destroy or to have personal revenge….so like the X-Files, trust in no one and to find the truth for yourself because, yes, my dear friends…the truth is out there. You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free. Peace, love, and freedom and the pursuit of happiness. But I say inter peace in the mist of controlled chaos, love is love, passion is love. There is no real freedom here on earth. But as far as the pursuit of happiness goes…it is just a pursuit, a goal. Some people spend their whole lives pursuing happiness only to find out when it is too late in life that happiness is a chemical emotion, it’s artificial. This is why drugs make you happy. So instead pursue joy. Joy is eternal and pure. Once you have it, it never leaves. You may become sad or angry, but again, those are chemicals. Joy is in the heart and only surfaces when you open that door in the joy storage room.

Weekend in Review & Memories of Auras

My sister has been visiting for the holiday weekend and all is well.

I have been anxious to share all my new found "isms" with her in hopes that my joy is contagious.  I think that the lesson I am learning in this area is that each person is so different.  You know the saying, "To each his own."

However, we did some simple stretching and yoga together and she responded well.   It pleased me.

Today is humid and hot.  I find that the hot weather brings out irritation in me.  I don't like that side of myself. I don't know what else to say about that.

The girls are out of school now and my son will be done next Friday.  I am looking forward to the summer break with the hopes of sleeping a little later, not being rushed about to meet a time schedule and hopefully doing some fun things with the kids.

I have been in a bit of a dry spot spiritually, but I think that is the way it's suppose to be.  The past couple of months have been so intense in learning and growing that it is only proper to have some time to let it sink in.  I have notice huge changes in every area of my life....well...except I still don't want to wash the dishes. :)

I seem to have a little more patience. Time doesn't seem to be as pressing. I am stopping to enjoy the view, smell the breeze, stare at the window and appreciate the Earth around me.

We have had many thunderstorms lately and I have fully taken advantage of enjoying them at every moment that I can give them.

I have noticed that my house plants are healthier and blooming.

My gift of seeing aura's is advancing slightly with the help of book that a friend gave me and of course with lots of prayer and mediation.

My husband is noticing the changes. He has verbalized that to me.  However I am not sure if he likes it because I have tended to be a little more quiet.  I am choosing to speak less when I am fully aware of the need for silence.  I am not sure that he understands that, because I have always been quite the talker.

Lastly, I have been remembering so things from my late teens and early 20's. Granted I did many many drugs at that point in my life, however I am remember certain "opinions" and auras that I experienced and idea that I just new were really reality.

For example: Long story, short...I was with a guy that I was in love with.  We referred to each other as "companions" instead of boyfriend and girlfriend.  He was a very insightful individual, however confused. As was I. Things had been getting weird because we weren't communicating with each other ...
One night he came by early in  morning or late at night, however you want to see it.  I won't tell you what our poison of choice was that night, but he talked me into going over to someone's house that he knew and said he would like all of us to hang out and meet.  Her name was Sarah.

As I was sitting with four or five other people and we were just talking and smoking, I felt my body retract into a corner and I begin to see my companion and Sarah talk and exchange looks from my point of view as a fly on the wall....then I saw their aura's.

They melted together and exchanged loving light back and forth like a lava lamp of misty pinks and blues and yellows. They were in love.  I knew it in my heart. I had never experienced anything like that, nor have I ever again. I know now that what I experienced was real.  It wasn't a hallucination. I didn't think that then, and I don't think that now.

As I continue to go through my old journals and remember certain small experiences I remember seeing others auras. Usually that is why I would write about that particular person.

That is how I met my first husband.  He was the only person in the room that I could see his aura.  His aura was red and orange.  I wasn't on any drugs at that moment in my life.  I wish that I wouldn't have known more about the colors and blockages that I saw in him that day. Perhaps I wouldn't have married him. Ha! :)

Another person that is forever attached to my soul is Brandon.  I met him at massage school and the first time I saw him, his aura was shining. He taught me many things about myself. I miss him terribly.

There are many, many more examples...but I don't have the time to write about them.
Tomorrow perhaps.

Be blessed today in Love and Light of the Infinite Creator of The Universe.

My Journal Cover From Ten Years Ago

This is how it all started for me.  The year 2000 was such an eye opener, but it took me another ten years to understand what the Creator was trying to teach me.  I am glad that I wrote it all down.
I knew then that I was suppose to practice massage, Reiki, and mediation.  In addition, a great friend of mine introduced me to Jack Kerouac. I miss my friend infinitely.
Namaste.

The Star Of David With The Hebrew Letter For Life (Chai)